Residents of Golders Green awoke yesterday morning to find North Best London had been ransacked over night by the ghosts of Jewish Past.
Entrances to Starbucks and the Jewish Chronicle had both been barricaded, radical political pamphlets were pinned to the trees of Golders Hill Park, and shop fronts and signed altered with spray paint. The famous supplier of baked carbohydrates to both the BOD and Israeli embassy has been rebranded ‘Carmellis Beigel Bakery’, and a large banner bearing the words ‘NO PASARAN’ now humorously hangs from the wire border of the Eruv.
The unlikely perpertators – a banker and local synagogue chairman, a prominent rabbi, a suburban stay at home mum, the president of a london Jsoc, and a teenage batmitzvah student, were later apprehended by the CST when they tried to break in to the Board of Deputies offices shouting ‘Zionism Schmionism’ ‘let bagels be beigels’ and ‘has anyone seen my marbles?’ intermittently. When cornered by security ‘officials’, they explained that they had ‘ a thing or two to say’ to the Board of Deputies who ‘all of a sudden are interested in combatting anti semitism.’ When asked to comment further mother of two and socialite Rachel Weinsteinberg said ‘where were they in ‘36?’ and then answered her own, evidently rhetorical, question in language unsuitable for print.
The five were held overnight for questioning, while the CST tried to figure out what on earth was wrong with them. Their families say they have been acting strangely for weeks, ‘talking nonsense about politics and flags’, exhibiting rude and unusual behaviour at social occasions and donating large amounts of money to struggling east London synagogues. Banker Paul Cohen was already briefly detained by security last week, when found stark naked in the Sauna of Golders Green’s LA fitness gym, holding a bar of soap and a birch and demanding that somebody ‘schmeiss him’. Batmitzvah student Leah Levantine has confused her friends by ordering her thrice daily starbucks in fluent yiddish. Classmate Laura Levy told us ‘amazingly this was like the first time they’ve ever spelled her name right on her cup.’ Meanwhile Leah’s sister, due to join the IDF last week, changed her flights without telling her family and has instead joined Kurdish rebels defending Kobane.
Answers to this strange behaviour are finally emerging from Rabbi Geoffrey Cohen, who was contacted by the CST through their satirical branch to examine the group. Ms Cohen has identified the cause of the problem to be possession by dybukks of recently deceased East Londoners. Two of the dybbuks have been identified as Alec ‘Tiny’ Silverman and former baker of Greenfield Street, Nathan Steigman, both veterans of the Spanish Civil War. When interviewed by Geoffrey, the dybbuks lamented the rise of capitalism and consumerism, and the decline of the east end and working class Jewish culture. They said they didn’t want to hurt or upset anyone in north west London, but simply to teach them a thing or two about politics and pronunciation. They hoped that in doing so they might prevent any more of their beloved east end being converted into luxury flats.
No solution has yet been found to separate the dybbuks from their victims, but in the meantime large quantities of salt beef, wine gums and a gramophone have been sent to CST HQ.
The Community Satire Trust, asked to take control of the operation due to it’s bizarre nature, have commented only to say that they think the whole thing has been ‘brilliant.’