The Alternative Antisemitism Quiz

At this time of year, as traditional as the Board of Deputies Golf Tournament, comes the Campaign for Islamophobia Against Antisemitism Questionnaire, asking leading questions to find out the true level of antisemitism in Britain, which is kept hidden by pinko liberal groups such as CST. We have been passed an earlier draft of this year’s version, on which was handwritten ‘v good, but a little on the nose. Maybe use next year once the Bolsheviks have established their Red Terror?’

Where do you live in Britain?

London

Leeds

Manchester 

Glasgow 

Somewhere unimportant 

How Jewish are you?

Too much (Sidelocks and everything)

Not enough (Reform, Liberal, Masorti, secular)

The right amount (Member of a United synagogue I never visit)

Please rate yourself from left to right, where 1 is extreme left (Jeremy Corbyn/ Colonel Gaddaffi), 5 is moderate (Luciana Berger/ Alan Sugar) and 10 is correct (Andrea Zanardo/ Golda Meir).

On a scale of 1-10, how imminent do you think an attack is on you personally for being Jewish?

1 (It will happen, but not right now)

5 (It will happen some time in the near future)

10 (A Muslim is looking at me right now)

In the last year, which of these have you done to protect yourself against the imminent attack from socialist Muslims under Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership? (Tick all that apply)

Stopped going to synagogue 

Stopped keeping shabbat 

Stopped wearing Jewish clothes

Eaten treif in public

Written a long and angry Facebook post with lots of gratuitous capitalisation

Called the police on a suspicious-looking brown person

Tutted at a suspicious-looking brown person

Threatened to move to Israel

Campaigned against mosques

Campaigned against immigration 

Left the Labour Party 

Bought a gun

Bought a tank

Set bear traps outside my house

Completed a survey for the Campaign Against Antisemitism 

What era in Jewish history does our time most resemble: 

Slavery in Egypt

Destruction of the Temple

The Crusades

The Spanish Inquisition 

Russian Pogroms 

Nazi Germany

Try not to be excessively optimistic in your answer.

Which Jeremy do you think is the greatest threat to the Jews? (Select just one. You know which one)

Beadle

Clarkson

Corbyn

Kyle

Paxman

Newmark

Irons

Which left do you think is the biggest threat to the Jews? (Select just one. You know which one)

Ear

Foot

Eye

Leg

Hand

Testicle

Nipple

Wing

When the Hebrew prophets blame the Israelites for their own sufferings are they:

a) victim-blaming

b) self hating Jews

c) denying the eternal nature of antisemitism 

d) kapos

e) not actually Jews at all

f) all of the above 

Which countries have you considered moving to* in the past year: 

a) Democratic Republic of Congo

b) Narnia

c) Israel

d) Saudi Arabia

e) Teletubby land

f) Northern Ireland 

* don’t forget to include holidays

On a scale of 1-10, how great do you think Israel would be; a place to live in the sun among other Jews in your ancestral homeland?

1 (I don’t like myself)

5 (I prefer other Jewish states)

10 (I am the Jewish Agency)

If you would like to see the results of this survey, join Mark Lewis and Mandy Blumenthal on the ITV morning sofas as they tell everyone they’re moving to Israel. Again.