Ask the Rabbi

Dear Yitzhak,
As a leader of anglo-jewry I am proud of my reputation for intellectualism and widely known as ‘Mr smooth’. My defining feature, however has always been my mastery of the anecdote-one for every occasion. Recently, I found myself at a function and no story came to mind. All I could do was stand there and stroke my (rather unimpressive) beard. Please advise me-is my career over?
Anonymous

Aha! You cannot hide your identity from me-you are chief rabbi and heretic Jonathan Sex! I have some suggestions-why not tell the story about when you realised we should be tolerant towards goyim, paedophiles and heretics? Or when you discovered that the world was made in more than seven days? Or the one in which you became a pork loving apikorus? And don’t think you’re so smooth boychik. Do hordes of young women come to you wanting to ‘kosher their bedroom’? Do you have neo-fascists from across Europe asking for copies of your sermons?
Yitzhak

p.s. the one about the rabbi and the nun always goes down a treat

Dear Yitzhak
As the editor of Anglo jewry’s finest publication-The Goyish News. I’d like to seek your advice. We feel our paper is excessively highbrow, and that it is time to go down market. Ideas include page 3, barmitzvahs gone wrong and updates on who’s rogering who at the beth din. Having got rid of that bolshevik Clive Lawton we’re trying to get columnists who really fit with our worldview. Jean-Marie LePen and Nick Griffin are both said to be interested. We would very much like rabbinic sanction for our reforms-are you prepared to give it?
Zacky Lawrence

Dear Zacky,
While some might consider your changes puerile and pornographic, I see them in the best tradition of bread and circuses for the yiddishe masses. I hear booze for jews and fighting anti Israel motions serve a similar purpose for the young people who don’t have a life. I would be more than happy to pose for you in my United Synagogue thong.
Yours Yitzhak

Dear Yitzhak,
I realise that you are generally opposed to intermarriage but please understand my situation. I have spent 15 lonely years on the jewish social scene with no success. Recently I met non-Jewish man who is my soul mate and I am happy at last. Can you make an exception for me?

Rivka
Redbridge

Dear Rivka,
I feel your pain. Sometimes love must come before religion, and we all have to compromise. The most important thing is to be happy, and if this man was you feel content you should marry him.

Ah Gotcha! Did you know gullible has been taken out of the english dictionary? Marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew
Yitzhak

Dear Rabbi,
I am a married woman, but for the past few months I have not visited the mikveh. I simply cannot simply cannot see the point Can you explain to me why I should?
Miriam
Finchley

Ignoring the laws of family purity is a great sin. Until you visit the mikveh you are unclean. You are dirty. Miriam, you’re a filthy, filthy girl. What you need is a real soaking. I’d like to tie you up with my tefillin and spank you with my lulav and-

Rabbi Schochet left his reply unfinished at this point

Dear Rabbi,
Rabbi Schochet, I am a good Jewish boy! I keep shabbes, kashrus, davven 3 times a day and drive a 4×4. Everything is beautiful, I am am mamash a yid! There is just one small problem, very occasionally I have a few doubts, sometimes I think that maybe Israel is not so nice to the Palestinians. I tried to dispel these  by reading some books (Alan Dershowitz’s ‘Arabs have smaller brains’ was particularly inspiring) but they seem to persist. Is it ok to think such things?
Yossele

1 Heimishe Street
Hendon

Dear Yossle,
It is clear from your letter that you are in fact not a Jew. Despite your adherence to trivial matters such as shabbat and kashrut, your political attitude reveals you to be one of the goyim. As it is written “One who doubts the wisdom of the state of Israel, it is as if he destroys an entire world” (I forget the exact reference). Now as I have discovered that you are not a Jew you no longer exist so there is no point in continuing this letter.
Yitzchak

Dear Rabbi,
Some of my friends, good orthodox Jews all (though one of them is rumoured to have attended Limmud) have talked about alien concepts such as evolution, and the earth revolving round the sun. Can I kill them?

Dovid Levy,  Edgware

Dear Dovid,
This is a common query. New fangled terms like ‘evolution’ are widespread nowadays, propagated by paedophiles, transvestites and reform rabbis. Now as you will know, we have a principal that one may break any law in order to save life. In this case, life means the continuation of anglo-jewry in its current state of unthinking deference to leaders like myself, so it is entirely permissible to poison your friend’s salt beef sandwich.
Yours truly,
Yitzchak

Dear Rabbi,
Although I was not born in to the faith, I feel deeply Jewish. I love the warm community, appreciation of studying and love of justice. I would love to formalise this by becoming Jewish. Can you help me?

Linda, Hampstead.

Dear Linda,
What is this Judaism of which you speak? ‘warm community’, ‘love of justice’-are you thinking of Christianity? Perhaps Buddhism? And I cannot see how you have encountered Judaism – this place ‘Hampstead’ where you live – are there Jews there? Generally candidates for conversion do it because a) they like the food and b) they live in Hampstead Garden Suburb and everyone assumes they’re Jewish anyway. The process takes approximately 27 years, although if you want to live on a west bank settlement the Israeli authorities will sort it out in three days.
Yitzchak

Dear Rabbi,
Life is very hard for me nowadays. I used to be the undisputed queen of the Jewish social circuit, which I wrote about in my famous column ‘on the social scene’. Everyone was my friend, I went to all the classiest parties and occasionally attended some Jewdos as well. But now I fear I have become too old. the invitations are running dry, and I have been reduced to doing opening speeches at shul garden parties. What is the point any more?
Jacqui K

Dear Jacqui,
This is clearly a difficult time for you. It is hard to feel happy when you are constantly questioning and evaluating your life. A good way to get over this is by having 14 children.
Yours,
Yitzchak

Dear Rabbi,
I find some sections of the torah very difficult. Things like leprosy, ritual impurity, rules of building the tabernacle – what do they have to do with modern life?
Alan

Manchester

Dear Alan,
We have a tradition; if a passage from the torah does not have a clear meaning, it is a reference to intermarriage. The message is simple:

marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew marry a jew
hope that’s clear
Yitzchak