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Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Some have suggested that jewdas has nothing to say about Jewish continuity. These opponents charge that we are simply jewish nihilists, having a joke at the expense of the Jewish community and failing to do our bit in securing the next generation of Jews. In order to rebut these scandalous allegations, we hereby deal head-on with the fraught problems of intermarriage and assimilation.

Jewish identity is declining sharply.

The first step to solving any problem is, like Rabbi Planski during the ‘pig-on-the-bimah’ crisis of ’89, to concede that there is indeed a problem. Jewdas feels that these statistics speak for themselves:

Only 8% of British Jews define themselves as socialists.

Only 3% have heard of Walter Benjamin

45% of British ‘Jews’ regularly vote Conservative.

Intermarriage rates are increasing dramatically.

In 1950 only 40% of the non-Jewish population had any contact with Jews. In 2005 that figure had soared to 92%. The implications for anti-semitism are obvious.

The radical Jewish gene pool has been drastically watered down, with outsiders from Stanmore and Borhamwood being the obvious culprits.

Children are being raised as non-Jews.

From an early stage these innocent children are induced into goyish customs; driving in SUVs, over consumption, unceasing materialism and mindless conservatism. These peak in the assimilation heartland of Hampstead Garden Suburb. Holy words, such as ‘rootless cosmopolitan’ and ‘international revolution’ have become unknown to our children and the lashon hakodesh, yiddish, has been forgotten to make way for some middle eastern imposter language with an incomprehensible alphabet.

Fertility Rates are not high enough to replenish the religion.

Unfortunately our rhine maidens, sorry women, have been taken in by the many antisemitic myths regarding global population.

There is also the worry that due perusing Goyish career paths like lawyers and accountants, and living in luxury apartments in North London , young Jews no longer have the time or money to procreate. Many of these young professionals view children as unfashionable and ‘working class’.

Less emphasis is being placed on a Jewish education.

This is mainly down to the growth in Jewish schools. Similarly the decline in attendance at religious events, is down to the inexplicable continuation of synagogue membership

Traditional Shabbat observance is extremely low.

Assimilatory shabbat practices such as timer switches, elevators and umbrellas have reached an all time high.

Take for example the new ‘eruvs’  around north london . Supervised by the heretical London (let’s make a kashrut exception for the Queen) Beth Din, this glorified washing line is used as an excuse for the disregard of shabbat observance. Only last Saturday, Jewdas agents observed three prams, a loose handkerchief and a juggling hassid all on Golders Green High street.

The facts speak for themselves; comrades, we have much work to do

Brothers and Sisters-if you are currently dating some schlemiel/schlemielette from Pinner or Hatch End who can’t understand your yiddish, looks blankly when you discuss Trotsky and Rosa Luxembourg or whom, when you suggest going to a rave, would prefer to attend the Jewish Care ball, its time to put an end to it. Just say no to this spectre of intermarriage hovering over our people.

If its too late for you, and you’re already in one of these ‘goyish’ marriages, its never too late to save the radical jewish heritage. Take one small step at a time. Heckle your rabbi. Swap round the hescher stickers in the local supermarket. Read Derrida. Go to one less jewdo each month. Spend Yom Kippur meditating in a stone circle. Take up anarchist tea dancing. Just remember-it is not for you to complete the work, neither are you free to abstain from it.

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