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Jewdas Games

Always keen to offer constructive proposals and activities, Jewdas presents a new series of games to be played at youth movement gatherings, synagogue AGMs and at UJIA fundraising dinners. When your rabbi has the gall to suggest some prayer or study, you need to have some pre-prepared alternatives to stop him in his tracks. Relying on the traditional board games is all well and good, but is fraught with danger; Monopoly was created by quakers, and is allegedly ‘satirical’, Cluedo contains the figure of the ‘Reverend Green’, rendering it obviously unsuitable, and Scrabble runs the risk of participants coming up with unsuitable words such as ‘bacon’ or ‘arabs’. Even small scale can be problematic, while noughts and crosses is clearly christological propaganda, ‘Soliatire’ recreates lonely Israel surrounded by a sea of hostile neighbours. Our games  are much safer. Each is fully certified by the Jewdas  Beth Din,  whose dayanim never watch television, talk to women, or leave the eruv.

The number game: 2 players. Each pick a number. The one with highest number wins. If a player calls infinity, this can be trumped by ‘David Ben-Gurion’

Sermon drinking game
If  the rabbi proposes a scenario that ‘you would have thought’ that you clearly wouldn’t have thought, down the 1st shot

For every attribution of a saying as ‘chassidic’ without mentioning which hassid was responsible, 3 fingers of beer

If any story revolves around a shtetl, mix yourself a White Ruissian

If the rabbi stops and waits for silence, you must drink the entire quiet time.

Drink a further shot for every gratuitious leap of logic and/or absurd analogy

If any variant/version/allusion/hint of ‘Is it good for the Jews? is heard drink an entire bottle of vodka. If the actual phrase occurs hit yourself over the head with the empty bottle

In a variant on the traditional paper, scissors, stone we present the infinitely more complex and therefore Jew-friendly Rock, Water, Paper, Scissors, Fire in which the elements have symbolic power:

Fire-Aish ha Torah
Paper-the Torah (obviously)
Rock-Tzur Yisrael
Water-, Mayim, the new anti-aish initiative from Masorti

The rules are as follows;
Water puts out fire,

Rock stops fire (although this was contested by Rabbi Shaul Rosensplatt who described Aish as ‘more important than god’(in which case fire may also be argues to put beat water))

Paper covers Rock

Some argue that Scissors cut Paper although we could not obvioulsy condone this.

Fire Burns paper – representing Aish’s free holday first, study later policy.

Fire heats scissors – allowing the Mohel to work double quick on all those new jews.

Lady Jakobowitz

This is a very complex game, too intricate to explain here, based on ‘Mornington Crescent’ in which the aim is to pronounce the name of our much loved former chief rebbetzin.

An example game might go:

Lord Levy

Henry Grunwald

Jacqui Kohen (a risky move but not an illegitimate one)

Anthony Lerman  (shock horror!)

Rabbi Alan Plancey (much safer ground)

Judie Rose (didn’t see that coming)

Topol (what?)

Lady Jakobowitz!  (foiled again!)

The Jewish version of the popular newspaper puzzle uses hebrew letters instead of numbers, alef for 1, bet for 2 etc. Naturally the yud hey combo for 15 is not used as this would spell out the name of god, which is bad, instead tet vav, representing 9 + 6 is utilised. A background in gematria is also helpful in playing the game.

Strip Dreidl
Self explanatory. Only to be played at Channukah

Spin the Palwins
The level of intimacy can be adapted fro different groups, the higher the Palwin number the further you have to go…..

Soggy Matzah
Can be played all year round, though when played during Passover ensure only kosher le Pesach matzahs are used

Just a minute – a game where each participant must talk for a minute on any subject (related to Israel) without mentioning the Palestinians. This game is likely to be an easy one for many of our readers.

Happy Jewish Families!
This inclusion is satirical. Do not play this game. Never never never neverneverneverneverneverneverneverneve

Kosher by the Jewdas Beth Din

Dayan Abbot

Dayan Keaton

Dayan Princess of Wales

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