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Passports Were Only the Beginning

More than just passports, leaked documents reveal the true extent of items taken covertly from those entering Israel. Football shirts, foodstuffs and even dvds have all been “donated” to the Israeli secret services without their owners’ knowledge.

David Milliband, Britain’s Jewish Foreign Secretary, is said to be “at the end of his tether” whilst Israeli spokespersons have announced that they “would offer gratitude towards the donators,” were it not for the “official Israeli policy of never offering ones gratitude.”

Arsenal football shirts are the most commonly taken item of clothing. The Emirates Airlines emblazoned kit has proven itself a trusty disguise for Israeli secret service agents in the Arab world. Unsurprisingly, shirts of Arsenal’s bitter rival Tottenham Hotspur, aka ‘The Yid Army’, are rarely removed from suitcases.

The Foreign Office has issued a warning to those traveling to Israel over the safety of, unbelievably, their jars of Marmite. According to the leaked documents, Israel has been actively pursuing a secret “vitamin enriching program” for several decades now. Jonatan Jankovitch, a specialist in Israeli political affairs, commented this on his blog:

“It is old hat that Israel has no interest in symmetrical warfare and would pursue such a program. Indeed, it is nothing short of a hypocritically hypocritical attempt by the global anti-Semite movement to critique Israel on the issue. The whole of Middle Eastern politics is enabled, fuelled and turned over by the same substance: hummus. Yes, whether by technically lawful means or not, Israel has been acquiring jars of the B vitamin rich Marmite in order to enrich its hummus. One might like to ask why these critical enemies of the State of the Jews of Israel have kept so silent about the quality of Lebanese hummus!”

Bizarrely, the leaked reports suggest that the luggage of Irish passengers in Tel Aviv’s Ben Gurion airport have been routinely searched for traces of a certain plant. No, not marijuana: four leaved clovers. It seems that since the failure of the attacks on Lebanon and Gaza and the widespread ‘surprising’ condemnation of its annexation of East Jerusalem, Israel has been chasing the legendary Irish plant for its luck enhancing properties.

Certainly most shocking of all is the revelation of a top secret Knesset debate over whether to adopt an ‘Diaspora to Defenders Donor Programme’. This would have entailed the necessity for diaspora Jews who wished to be buried in Israel to allowing their vital organs to be transplanted to injured IDF personnel upon their passing. Knesset Member Yisroel Shalom argued in favour of the proposal, “Anyone who wishes to live in the Land of Israel should fight for it, especially when dead!” Complaints were issued by the National Religious Party on the grounds of desecration of the dead, but the proposal was shot down by a medically accomplished member of the Hatikvah party, Aryeh Eldad, who argued that organs from British Jews were partially canine.

He then went on to argue that the British Israeli’s who had their passports forged by Israeli secret services should receive tins of Pedigree Chum as compensation. (as and when they could be taken from luggage at Ben Gurion airport, of course)

Perhaps most surprising of all the leaked revelations is that Israel now holds the worlds largest collection of Jewish British comedy dvd’s. Every Sacha Baron Cohen, Matt Lucas, Peter Sellers and even Stephen Fry recording has now been gathered by Israeli secret service agents. The frightful image of Mossad agents equipped with a dry self-depreciating sense of humour on future assassination missions is offset by the knowledge that two decades of Mr Bean reruns has hardly reaped much affect on the country.

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