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REVEALED: Jewdas Seder Maggid 5782

Narrator: Our story starts here, at the Leadership election hustings of the Hebrew Socialist Party [Marxist-Lubavitch]

Hebrew 1: my question is for Sir Moses QC. Pharaoh is making our lives so hard, the whipping and the long hours are too much to bear – what would you do to stop him?

Moses: Have no fear. I will never forget my socialist principles. I will oppose pharaoh forensically every chance i get. Together we will end slavery and free the hebrews.

[Hebrews cheer]

Hebrew 2: But what about the slavedrivers? They are too cruel!

Moses: I promise to Defund the Slavedrivers!

[Hebrews cheer]

Hebrew 3: More of a comment than a question. Even if we could end slavery, we need to propose a positive alternative system. All good and well sounding radical but how can we be electable?

Moses: The land of Egypt needs a change. For too long the Pharaohs have become rich while the Hebrews suffer. I propose a new economic model, with power in the hands of the people. We will nationalise milk and we will nationalise honey. Together, we will nationalise the Nile!

[Hebrews cheer, chant Moses]

Narrator: Sir Moses, newly elected leader of the Hebrew Socialist Party [Marxist-Lubavitch], you may begin Prime Pharaoh’s Questions

Moses: Thank you madam speaker. My question for the Pharaoh is simple, will you let my people go?

[Pharaoh laughs]

Pharaoh: oh piss off

Moses: very unparliamentary! The only P words we should hear from you are pottery, papyrus and pyramids. So again, will you let my people go?

Pharaoh: I don’t think i will

Moses: pleeeease, let my people go?

Pharaoh: For the last time, No! What the honourable member for Pyramid West does not understand is that slavery is the bedrock of Egyptian prosperity. Even if the Hebrew Socialist Party got its way, society as we know it would be turned upside down! 

Narrator: Moses’ conciliatory approach wasn’t doing him any favours – polls were down, members were leaving and the Annual Hebrew Congress was fast approaching.

Moses: Comrades, I have put the Pharaoh on notice

Hebrew 3: you suck!

[Hebrews boo]

Hebrew 2: we need to do something!

[Hebrews cheer]

Moses: Radical action will only harden pharaoh’s majority – and believe me, you don’t want to be face-to-face with a Pharaoh’s hard majority [chortles at own joke]

[Hebrews boo]

Moses: If you’re not committed to the Hebrew Socialist Party [Marxist-Lubavitch]’s electoral campaign then I have no choice but to expel you!

Hebrew 1: go on then!

Moses: [points] expelled!

Hebrew 2: [sarcastically] we’re so scared

Moses: [points] expelled! [Points around the room] Hebrew Voice for Labour, expelled! Hebrew appeal, expelled! Hebrews in Galus Network, expelled!

Hebrew 3: Pharaoh-shagger!

Moses: [frantically] all hebrews are expelled!!

Narrator: This was not the last that Moses heard from those pesky hebrews. Outside of the party, they were getting organised, starting to build the world they wanted to see, starting to attract Pharaoh’s attention.

Pharaoh: Sir Moses QC, thank you for meeting me. I’m sure you know what I’d like to discuss.

Moses: Slavedriver hubs?

Pharaoh: No, not exactly. You see, I need your help in keeping the hebrews under control. We’re all deeply concerned about them plaguing the nation…

[Hebrews cheer after each point]


By protesting

Organising mutual aid

Joining unions

Going on strike

Blocking evictions

Repelling immigration raids

Glueing themselves to roads

Getting slavedrivers out of our communities

Writing mean letters in the Hebrew Chronicle

Preparing for revolution!

Narrator: Little did they know that the Hebrew revolution was already underway. Every hebrew was in revolt throughout the land of Egypt. Pharaoh and Moses rushed to the red sea to stop them.

Pharaoh: you good-for-nothing nogoodniks, stop this instant! Your revolutionary nonsense has gone too far.

Moses: please hebrews, do what he says. The wilderness is far worse than living in Egypt.

Hebrew 2: of course you’d say that!

Hebrew 1: we’re going to take our chances in the wilderness!

Hebrew 3: Pharaoh-shagger!

Moses: These radical actions are wrong at a time when negotiations are ongoing. You’re making a great mistake

Hebrew 2: We are our own leadership. We never needed you!

Narrator: The hebrews, realising their power, rejected Moses’ advice and continued their revolution all the way to Sinai. In their last ditch attempt to tail the masses, Moses, pharaoh and the Egyptian army were swept away by the rising red tide.

Chag sameach!

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