How the BOD stole Sukkos

How the BOD stole Sukkos

Every Jew in Jewville loved to celebrate Sukkot

Except the Board of Deputies. The BOD did not.

When all the other yidn were erecting their tents,

Chairperson Jonny Arkush just sat in lament.

Perhaps his shirt was too small or his shoes were too tight,

But I think his heart was too far to the right.

He grumbled and sighed and mumbled, bereft:

“All I want to do is crush the far left!

“Sukkot is a time for unlimited joy.

“Where’s the hatred and fear? Where’s the racism? Oy!

“I can’t stand to see such a heart-warming sight.

“It just isn’t fair. No, it just isn’t right.

“If Jews can shake lulavs and celebrate

“Then when will they campaign for the Jewish state?

“I must ruin their chagim and then they will know

That Europe is only a temporary home.”

So Jonny Arkush snuck out in the night

To give all the Ikies a terrible fright.

He got in his car and went to the town

And pulled every temporary shelter down

He grabbed the lulavs and stole the etrogs

He snatched all the myrtle. Oh, what a slog!

He spoiled their fruits and ruined their wine

So no Jew in Jewville could have a good time.

“Now they will realise,” he chuckled with glee,

“That their only hope is voting for me.

“If they can’t be happy and worship their God

Then they might fundraise for my paranoid BOD.”

The next day all the yidn woke up and saw

Their sukkahs were broken, strewn out on the floor

Their wine and their fruits had all been snatched

Their lulavs and etrogs had all been smashed.

But did the Jews cry at this horrible thing?

No! They went out in their gardens and started to sing!

They did all the things they’d have done all along

Like seeing their friends and dancing to songs.

Years of learning had made them astute:

A state’s not an answer, the world’s a galut!

We will not be scared, we’ll get organised

We will fight against all the things that we despise

All we can do is resist and have fun

For a world without borders or classes or guns

But we’re not going anywhere we don’t want to be

We will not be worried by Arkush to flee.

And when Jonny saw that the Jews weren’t afraid

He realised what a pointless big mess he had made.

“Perhaps,” he said “there is more to this life

Than worrying over imaginary strife.”

Now I’m not sure, but the stories do say

His heart moved three inches to the left that day.

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so right,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,

And he brought back the wine! And the branches above

And even Arkush had a jolly yom tov.


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