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Do you have a Jewish soul?

Do you have a Jewish soul?

Increasingly, non-Jews have been asking us if they can join Jewdas. It’s not something we’d really considered before. Normally, people either ask us how they can get as far away from us as possible or what the Yiddish is for “please leave me alone.” But now that Judaism has become one of the fashionable religions like ‘western Buddhism’ was in the 90s, it seems only fair that we create some criteria for admitting people as honorary Jews.

In the creepier corners of the Internet, like Chabad, The Times of Israel,  and Aish, a strange consensus has emerged that there is such a thing as a Jewish soul. No more will the nature versus nurture debate pit the humanities against the sciences, but now “kabbalah” has come up with an even better answer. There are Jewish souls and non-Jewish souls. These will determine what your life is like.

We are far too modest to argue with the great rabbis of the Lubavitcher Chassids, the Litvak yeshivas, or hasbara bloggers, so we’re just going to accept that Jewish souls are a thing. Take this quiz to see if you have one.

  1. Do you have a strong sense of faith in God?
  2. Have you ever said “don’t worry, be happy” unironically?
  3. Do you know how to use a knife and fork?
  4. Does the thought of getting up early to hear Torah on a Saturday fill you with joy?
  5. Have you ever been skiing?
  6. Do you have a good sense of direction?
  7. If a waiter brought you food and it wasn’t what you ordered, would you just eat it anyway?
  8. Do you love Israel?
  9. Are you excited for Judgement Day?
  10. Can you already recite all of the Ten Commandments in order?

Count up your answers carefully. How many times have you said yes? How many times have you said no?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, we’re afraid you don’t have a Jewish soul.

If you’ve answered ‘no’ to all of them, then you’ll already know that internet quizzes are bullshit.

But it’s alright, you don’t need a Jewish soul really. You can pretty much practice any religion you want in whatever you want. Don’t worry, be happy.

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7 thoughts on “Do you have a Jewish soul?”

  1. Manfred Ropschitz

    Indeed – welcome to the Theatre of the Absurd where idiocrats decides who prospers and who gets tortured.

  2. Emma Goldmansteinbergerunfreyz

    I’m not sure what I love most about this: kabbalah in quotes or “the creepier corners of the Internet, like Chabad, The Times of Israel, and Aish”. Either way, thanks from the Upper West Side of New York (State, not City).

  3. I definitely don’t have “a Jewish soul” but the phrase itself is a perfect anagram of my name. Then again, so is “Oh Jesus! Wail!”

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