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Exposed: God is a card-carrying communist

This week, declassified CIA files have revealed what many suspected all along: God is, in fact, a communist. Research by Jewdas into these documents has shown that the CIA struggled to keep up with the freedom fighter’s activities, since she has operated under so many different aliases, including Allah, Adonai, Shekhinah, Brahman, and Toots. Nevertheless, the files show a clear pattern of communist activity.


Rather than the leader she is often portrayed as, God seems to be more of a far-out utopian thinker among others in her movement. When she first proposed that work should be limited to a five-and-a-half-day working week, she was denounced by even the most devout as an ultra-leftist agitator. It wasn’t so much for the proposed reduction in working hours, but for the punishments she advocated should come with it. At the time, God argued that any exploitative employers who did make people work weekends should be instantly put to death. Even orthodox adherents to God’s doctrine thought this shouldn’t be taken too seriously.


God has been no stranger to violent and insurrectionist activity in support of the communist cause. During the Hebrew revolt against slavery in Egypt, many of the militants wanted to remain peaceful in pursuit of their liberation. God, in an act of unbridled anarchism, destroyed entire fields and livestock to wrest control of the means of production from the ruling class. The campaign finally succeeded, albeit imperfectly, when God took to engaging in political assassinations of the Pharoah’s and other politician’s children. God is not merely a socialist intellectual, but a firm proponent of Revolution of the Deed.


With history approached in this light, it has perhaps not so remarkable that God is a communist, but that the truth of God’s proletarian leanings was kept hidden for so long. This is probably, in part, due to revisionism by bourgeois reformists and counter-revolutionary elements. For example, God wrote in the Torah, one of her earlier agitational pamphlets, that all that a landowner didn’t need should be given to the poor. This clear incitement to land reform and wealth distribution was deliberately misconstrued as support for charitable alms-giving.


Like many revolutionaries of her generation, God has declined to join any particular movement or political party, preferring instead to support oppressed peoples in general, often using subterfuge and going unnoticed. Surprisingly, God does not seem to have tempered with age and remains just as committed to insurrectionist anti-capitalism today as she was 5,000 years ago.


According to the files, God remains at large.
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1 thought on “Exposed: God is a card-carrying communist”

  1. Alex J Goldhill

    Whilst God may have been a firebrand back in the day, these days God comes across as more of a champaign socialist than a card-carrying revolutionary.

    When was the last time God unleashed a plague upon the ruling class of a great empire? When the Babylonian Empire destabilised the Middle-East through their numerous imperialist wars and the colonisation of the indigenous peoples, God responded by destroying the ruling class and dividing their lands between the Hittites to the West and the Persians to the East. Yet when America engages in those same activities, Wall Street does not run red with the blood of bankers and the Canadians and Mexicans have made no move to take their forces across the border.

    Furthermore, why has God remained so silent with regards to Israel’s actions? Usually when God has had a disagreement with the Israelite government the outcome is the violent overthrow of the ruling class and their institutions. The last time it happened the result was the destruction of the temple, the overthrow of the monarchy and the disbanding of the Cohanim, and yet in spite of the many oppressions that the Israeli government inflicts, both on the Palestinians, the Israeli working class, and the various migrant workers and refugees within its borders, God has failed to take a decisive stance, and the far-right still retains significant support and power. It’s almost as though God, to afraid of offending anyone by taking a principled stance, instead holds the most moderate position available, and in so doing indirectly supports the ongoing oppression of millions.

    God also exhibits some worrying authoritarian tendencies, calling for an anointed messiah to lead the Jewish people rather than a mass movement of the oppressed of all nations, to say nothing of the whole personality cult that has built up around God over the years.

    There is also the many problems that arise from sectarian splits between Gods followers. In Syria and Iraq Islamic forces are attacking Christian and Yazidi minorities, in the US the far-right invokes Christianity to justify and legitimise their policies, and in India, where far-right Hindu nationalists are currently in power, traditional religious values are used as a justification for the marginalisation of religious minorities and the further entrenchment of Neoliberal reforms. One word from God is all it word take to resolve these disputes, yet God seems content to stay out of the politics of theological debate, allowing the reactionary elements to hold sway.

    In the end, God may talk a good game with a wonderful vision of a messianic age, but has done little to nothing to bring about that vision and is all to willing to support, either directly or indirectly, numerous reactionary elements across the board. In short, God is a Social Democrat.

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