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How do we make Ed Miliband look less Jewish?

We’re only six months away from elections and just a few polling points away from waking up to find Prime Minister Farage smugly staring down our TV screens.

Champion of the working class
Champion of the working class

If Nasty Nigel and his friends get their way, we’ll be living in a nightmare scenario where fox hunting is mandatory, vegetables are taxed, air is privatised, and anybody who can’t prove their ancestors were present for the signing of the Magna Carta is shipped off back to Bulgaria.

If we’re not careful, Dan the White Supremacist Van Man will be Chancellor of the Exchequer and Jeremy Clarkson will be Mayor of London.

Only one man stands between the shit situation we’re in now, and the shit situation we could be in. That man’s name is Red ‘Ed’ Miliband.

The trouble is Ed Miliband looks a bit, well, Jewish. Obviously we at Jewdas think that makes him look pretty damn sexy, especially when he’s donning his M&S cardigans. But the tabloids and, by extension, everyone on this rainy, racist island, seem to disagree.

Last year, The Daily Mail ran an article accusing Miliband’s dad, the Marxist theorist, of hating Britain. They called him every name under the sun – “red”, “immigrant”, “communist”, “Belgian” – except the one they actually meant: “Jew.”

The Daily Star followed up by really spelling it out. They ran an article claiming that Ralph Miliband had killed an old woman’s cat, trundling out that tired anti-Semitic trope that Jews don’t post enough cat memes on Facebook.

ralph miliband kitten killer
“Only a Belgian could have killed a cat like that. The red bastard!”

Some commentators were even less subtle about it. UKIP’s Max Farquar went full racist with this lovely Nazi-inspired propaganda poster.

UKIP propaganda, Hitler-style
UKIP propaganda, Hitler-style

So, something had to be done. In a light, airy room, filled with beanbags at Labour HQ, a group of image consultants, brand managers and PR executives got together to use words like “target demographic”, “supporter journey” and “exposure”. Ultimately, they had to answer the question: how do we make Ed Miliband look less Jewish?

“Why don’t we get him to say he’s an atheist?” suggested Sally from Marketing.

“No,” insisted Nigel from Volunteer Engagement. “That’ll just remind people he’s a Jew.”

“We could have him do a Christmas card,” offered Mary from the Media Team.

merry xmasfrom ed miliband
Never even heard of Hannukah

Look at him. Everything about this photo says “I am your hopes. I am your dreams. I am you.” But it just didn’t go far enough.

“We could have him eat a bacon sandwich,” Sally suggested, probably for the fifteenth time.

ed miliband eating bacon
Mmmm… it tastes so treif

“I told you that would never work,” said Mary.

They tried a new tactic. Ed Miliband recognised the state of Palestine.

I think I recognise you from somewhere... are you Palestine?
I think I recognise you from somewhere… are you Palestine?

It worked. The media worked themselves into a frenzy of Jew-baiting stereotypes. The rich, miserly Yids who secretly run the world, like actress Maureen Lipman, were ditching Labour.

Those nasty Jews had excommunicated that treacherous Miliband after he did exactly what he said he was going to do before he was elected leader. Still, the electorate remain unconvinced. There is only one way to convince people that Ed Miliband isn’t really Jewish and save the British people from themselves.

Ed Miliband will have to join Jewdas. Then nobody will believe he’s a Jew. Not even his own mother.

Welcome to the fold, Ed.

You can see Ed Miliband perform live at Jewdas’s party in two weeks, alongside the likes of Julie Burchill, Ephraim Mervis, Tantz, Shekoyokh and Joseph Stalin. Book your tickets here: 

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