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The Diary of Susie Shikse, Part 1


OMG. I had to remind Mum this afternoon that I’m 15 and really not a baby any more. She suggested she take me and Christina (that’s my sister) to the cinema to see Fantastic Mr Fox tomorrow. Perfect for baby 8-year-old Chrissie, but I’d rather see the new Twilight Saga film. I said we could go together. I could see Twighlight and Mum and Chrissie could see their baby film, but, noooo, I can’t see a film on my own. What if someone abducts me? Really, I can get abducted walking home from school, but I didn’t say that to Mum. I don’t want her getting me a babysitter, for God’s sake. Dad told us to stop arguing. He’s really strssed just now because he’s worried people are going to start digging around in his expenses claim. He’s a local councillor, Conservative, and a twat. He wears a suit and parts his hair on the side and polishes his shoes every morning and says we should have a cap on immigration cos there are too many foreigners around here. I think foreigners make the place interesting. Really, I’d be sooooo bored if I didn’t get to chat to Magda, our cleaner. She’s Polish. This house is so dull and Magda always has something interesting to talk about. Yesterday she told me about her boyfriend who works in Tesco. He’s a guitarist and a Medical student, but he’s stopped going to university in Poland to get some money to fund his final year.

Rebecca, she’s in the year above me at school, has a new boyfriend. She met him at the skate park on Sunday night. She had a photo of him on her phone. He’s 18 and he’s got a goatee beard and an earring. He looks soooooo mature, not like the boys at school.  His name is Andrew, but he prefers to be called Ghostman. He sings in a metal band too. She showed me some of his lyrics. They’re, like, really meaningful. About death and stuff. I told Mum and Dad about Rebecca and Ghostman over dinner, just to see their reaction. Dad said he’d better not catch me with any boyfriend and banned me from seeing Rebecca for a week. She’s a bad influence, apparently. Well, that just shows what a low opinion he has of me. He thinks I’m too immature to make decisions about love and stuff. I expect he thinks I’ll catch AIDS from some junkie lowlife I’d jump into bed with at the first opportunity.

I had netball practice after school today. It was raining and Miss Jameson, our coach, told me I need to work on my footwork. I think she might be a dyke. She comes into the changing rooms to tell us to hurry up when we’re still in the showers. All women PE teachers are gay. At least, they are in films.

Lucy’s my best friend. She really is, so that’s why I said I’d go to her chess club tomorrow night. She thinks Miss Jameson is a dyke too. Anyway, she’s been begging me to come to the chess club for weeks cos there’s a guy she likes there. She wants me to check him out and to give her an excuse to talk to him cos she can intruduce me to him and say we’re going ice skating on Friday and ask him if he wants to come too. He’s called Ryan and he’s home educated. He sounds like a LOOOOO-SSSSSER, but I’m not going to tell Lucy that. I bet it’s full of geeky guys like Ryan and girls in hand-knitted wooly jumpers and big glasses. Lucy wear glasses, but not big ones and she sometimes wears wooly jumpers. It’ll be sooooooo boring. Dad’s pleased I’m going to the chess club. He thinks I’ll meet some ‘nice new intelligent friends from respectable families’. Maybe if I start mixing with young people who work hard at school, he says, I might follow my mother into the teaching profession. Ha! Fat chance! She’s an RE teacher, which you’d think would make her tolerant of people, but she just isn’t. She thinks Lucy’s mum is a crakpot cos she thinks the Earth is alive, like it gave birth to everything living on it, so we have to look after the Earth in return for the gift of life. Well, it is a bit odd, but  they teach RE in schools to make us more tolerent of eachother, not to dismiss other peoples’ beliefs. Mum’s really no role model. Now, Lucy’s mum, she’d be a good person to look up to.

Anyway, I’m going to bed now. Chrissie’s watching some stupid TV programme in her room next door. I’ve asked her to turn it down, but she just told me to piss off.


Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I take back everything I said about the chess club being full of ugly geeky guys. Ryan’s not much of a looker, but his friend….. Oh WOW!!!!! He offered to teach me the basics of chess and we ended up chatting all evening. He’s called Moishe Herzl Zionberg. He’s 16, a bit taller than me, has dark curly hair (like an Afro but he’s white), dark eyes, very skinny, wears a weird hat thing clipped in his hair. Shows he’s creative cos he’s making a fashion statement. We invited Moishe and Ryan to come ice skating with us on Friday,but Moishe said he’s not allowed out on Friday night. He can go on Sunday though. I hope Rebecca can do Sunday too otherwise it’ll have to be Friday without the delectable Moishe. I think I’m in love!

Moishe’s an unusual name. I’ve never met anyone with that name before. Maybe it’s foreign? He doesn’t really look English with all that dark hair and his nose isn’t…. well, it’s not unnoticable. Maybe he’s a Muslim? That’d sooooooooooooo annoy Mum and Dad! Can you imagine? They’d hit the roof! Awesome!


I couldn’t sleep last night. I was thinking about Moishe all night. He’s just soooooo hot! I asked Mum if Muslims wear hats and she says the men sometimes do, so Moishe must be a Muslim. Rebecca says she can’t go ice skating tomorrow anyway cos she’s going to Ghostman’s gig. His band’s called The Bringers of the Apocalypse. That’s sooo cool and, like, meaningful. Not like the crappy trash you hear on the radio. So, we can go ice skating on Sunday instead and Moishe can come! I’m sooooo nervous. What am I going to wear??! I don’t want to look slutty and I have to wear something I can actually skate in, but I want to impress him. I don’t really have the boobs for a low-cut top, but I can make up for that with a mini-skirt, maybe?

Lucy’s going to an anti-capitalist rally with her mum on Saturday. She said I can come and help make a placard after school tomorrow. Lucy’s mum’s sooooo cool. She has pink dreadlocks and loads of piercings. She even has one through her septum, that’s the bit in your nose between the nostrils. She asked me if I wanted to go with them on Saturday, but there’s no point in even asking my stupid square parents, they’d say no straight away and ground me for a week.


OMG! OMG! OMG! OH. MY. GOD!!! I had the best time EVER ice skating today. Rebecca and Ghostman, Lucy and Ryan, and me and Moishe. Moishe’s never skated before so I got to HOLD HIS HAND!!!!! I was soooo excited. My heart was thumping the whole time. After skating, we had McDonalds but Moishe didn’t eat anything. He said he had a sandwich he’d eat on the bus home. Weird. Maybe he’s got food allergies. I asked him if he’s a Muslim, but he just laughed and said ‘Duh! I’m a fucking Heeb, Susie’! I’m not sure what he meant. Maybe he was making a joke? I don’t want to ask Mum what a Heeb is. It might be rude. I’ll ask Rebecca. If Moishe isn’t a Muslim, what is he? Maybe he’s a Sikh? They’re from places like India and Pakistan, but I’m sure I’ve read about white Sikhs in one of Mum’s RE books. Don’t Sikhs have turbans and beards, though? Or is that Hindus? Maybe I’ll be Mrs. Susie Herzl Zionberg one day. Anyway, I’m going to bed now to have sweet dreams about Moishe. Goodnight!

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